Don’t you just hate it when people try to get under your skin? In this post, you’ll learn how to stay calm when someone is pushing your buttons.
We’ve all been there. Minding our own business and someone starts to stir things up. They say something mean. They point and laugh. They get in our personal space.
It catches you by surprise and knocks you off center – you feel threatened, uncomfortable and your blood starts to boil. If you don’t check yourself, you completely lose your cool.
Maybe you know the person well, or they might be a complete stranger. Either way, their behaviour gets under your skin and forces you to react. Usually out of character and in a negative way.
And that’s exactly what they want – for you to lose your cool and do something stupid.
This happens throughout our lives, in the home, on the playground, in sports and at work. There’s an a**hole around every corner so we all need to learn how to stay calm when someone is pushing our buttons.
In that spirit, these 10 steps will help you to remain zen, stand your ground and keep performing at your best, no matter what those around you say, or do.
1. Breathe
Breath is the key to your state of mind, so first thing to do when someone is pushing your buttons is to take a few deep breaths. Breathe slowly in through the nose and out through the mouth, until you re-establish your center.
This little pause will help you to see what’s happening, gain perspective and make better choices in the moment. Whether you choose to walk away, or to stand your ground, a few breaths can stop you from reacting impulsively and making the situation worse.
2. Run your options
From a calm state, quickly run your options and the possible outcomes. Sometimes, it’s better just to walk away and let everyone cool off. Sometimes, it’s better to stand your ground and take control of the situation. Reacting to provocation isn’t always a bad thing, but over-reacting usually is.
In hostile and uncomfortable situations, it’s not always easy to make clear decisions, but if you remain calm and run your options, you’ll feel more in control.
3. Douse the flames
Someone’s creating friction. Producing excessive heat where it doesn’t need to be. Play water to their fire and douse the flames that they are trying to fan. You can:
- Ignore them
- Walk away
- Talk to someone else
- Mirror them
- Distract them with a comment or question
- Say: “It seems like you’re upset about _____.”
- Invite someone they respect/fear into the conversation
Aggressors will respond differently to your re-actions, so try to observe how they interact with others as well as yourself and fine-tune your approach with them. With a little practice you’ll become quite skilled at shutting them down and preventing future attacks.
4. Change perspective
The attack feels personal, but it’s usually not. Something within the attacker is making them act this way and you’re probably not the only one on the receiving end.
Take yourself out of it and view the situation from above, like you’re watching the drama unfold on TV. What are the attackers motives? What are they really trying to communicate? What would you tell the victim to do in that situation?
5. Use a mantra
A mantra is a simple word, or phrase that you repeat to yourself. It can be used as a reminder to stay calm and take the high-road. Say things like:
- “Be cool!”
- “Let it go!”
- “This is nothing, I can handle it!”
Repeat the mantra slowly and confidently to reduce stress and relieve some of the anxiety that you feel. The annoyance will pass as it always does, so keep yourself on an even keel.
6. Be prepared
People who enjoy provoking others like to catch you off guard. Just as you’re relaxing and having a good time, they come along with their B.S.
Prepare in advance by mapping out certain scenarios. How do they act in scenario A, B, and C and how can you respond in scenario A, B, and C. Run these scenarios a few times in your mind and then with a trusted friend, so that you are ready the next time someone tries to provoke you.
7. Identify and control your triggers
What triggers you? What pushes you over the edge? Where and when do you lose control of yourself? Identify any words, sentences, situations and people that you are hypersensitive to and make a list.
Once you’ve identified your main triggers, you can put a safety on them to help control them in the future. This can be any word, phrase or action that you use to kill over-reactions. If, for example, someone calls you a name that really bothers you, say: “This person is trying to put me down, but I’m too stoic and too professional to let that happen. Onwards!”
8. Put their clown suit on
If they’re repeat offenders, it’s the reaction that they want. They derive pleasure from seeing you squirm, argue, or explode, so view them as the clowns that they are.
Close your eyes and visualise the person in front of you. They are wearing a clown suit with big red hair and a honking nose. They talk in a squeaky voice and whatever they say is followed with canned laughter. Their shoes are so big, they trip whenever they try to walk.
Replay this image a few times each day until your view of them changes. This clown is neither to be feared, nor indulged. They haven’t earned the right to affect your mood and ruin your flow.
9. Picture the child inside of them
Finding delight in tormenting others often comes from a place of lack. A lack of love, a lack of attention, a lack of confidence, a lack of empathy, a lack of something. At some point in there life (often in childhood), they learned this behaviour as a way to fill that hole and get what they want.
Picture the child inside of them. Desperate for attention. Desperate to be heard. Desperate to feel a certain way. Notice how sad they are. Notice how lost they are. Does this kid really want to hurt you, or is there something they want/need?
This doesn’t excuse their behaviour at all, but it does make it easier for you to cope. It’s hard to be intimidated by someone that you feel sorry/empathy for, and you may even be able to help them open up and share what’s really going on.
10. Communicate your boundaries
Once all is calm, you can approach the individual in private (without an audience) and explain that their behaviour is unacceptable. Communicate that you don’t like the way they talk to you and you want it to stop.
Be specific about the behaviour that is upsetting you: “I don’t like it when you say _____, could you please stop saying that?” This helps to establish boundaries in a firm, but non-combative way, and set some ground rules for future interactions.
You can also ask them about their values, needs and boundaries, so that you don’t step on their toes. Maybe there is something that you are doing that gets under their skin and is causing them to act this way. Aim for clear and honest communication.
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Featured Image: @zacharykadolph
Read more
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How To Stay Calm in High-Stress Situations
Simple Breathing Technique for Stress